I was reading a couple recent media articles about the emotional impact on pet owners of having to euthanise their pets, and how difficult it can be to make the decision, then to live with it.
Grief, sadness and coping with the loss of a beloved pet, companion or working animal, whether sudden, anticipated or planned, regularly arise in my discussions with family, friends and clients. These are daily and community-wide experiences, although you may feel quite singular and alone in your loss.
There are physical, emotional and cognitive aspects to these events, as well as practical and financial implications. Confusion, stress and guilt about whether it was the right thing to do, about not having done enough to prevent it, are also familiar reactions in these circumstances. Feeling judged or blamed, or responsible for the outcome is right up there with ‘mother guilt’ for the emotional harm it can cause.
A recent phenomena covered in the media has been the larger than usual relinquishing of ‘pandemic pets’ – animals adopted for comfort and company during those couple miserable years of Covid-19 sparked confinement. Adding to this, recent dramatic increases in cost of living expenses, job instability and homelessness have forced many people to hand over otherwise loved pets, with all of the attendant guilt, self-blame and sorrow.
Such a maelstrom of thoughts and emotions can also trigger unresolved issues with earlier trauma and loss, and contribute to general distress. It can affect how you cope at work, with family, other day to day responsibilities, and your general wellbeing. Someone recently advised me that the passing of their beloved old dog triggered unresolved emotions about the previous loss of a family member, with all of the above signs of not coping.
These and a range of other thoughts and emotions are understandable reactions in the context of such loss. Sometimes it’s about feeling ‘frozen’, overwhelmed, resentful and abandoned, or rudderless as a core anchor for schedule and routine is no longer there. Some don’t know how to feel, worrying about not feeling sadder, uncertain about ‘replacing’ a pet too soon, or not feeling able to emotionally commit to another pet for fear of losing them sometime in the future.
All of these responses and considerations are quite familiar to grief and loss specialists, and demonstrate the complexities of both the circumstances as well as you as a human being experiencing a life tragedy. The states of grief and loss – shock & denial, anger& bargaining, depression & guilt, an upward turn, reconstruction & working through, and hopefully, acceptance & hope, are just as real and necessary regarding our domestic companions as for the loss of family members and friends.
Some of these approaches can help:
- Keep busy with your other schedules, contacts and commitments, as they provide structure and context that helps manage your feelings and any absence.
- Share your circumstances with supportive and understanding people who won’t dismiss or minimise your genuine grief and loss.
- Rituals, ceremonies and memorials around death and celebrating a life well lived are at the core of how we deal with loss – no less for our animal companions. Veterinarians and pet bereavement services can provide useful advice and support about saying farewell and considerations for the remains. Ask friends what they did in similar circumstances.
- Give yourself time to grieve and process your loss, which also means permission to be upset, having a good cry or time alone when needed.
- Look after your health and wellbeing – healthy eating, adequate sleep, expressing your feelings. Suppressing your emotions and distracting yourself by binging on comfort food or streaming services will only mask your true state for so long, although a little can be self-soothing.
- If need be, talk with your health and wellbeing practitioner for further support.
The above advice is just a start on your grieving and recovery journey. I encourage you to do your own research and discuss your circumstances with supportive and understanding professionals.
